Thanks For The Memory (series 2)

[Rimmer is drunk]

Lister: What time is it?

Rimmer: [Crawls over to the alarm clock] Saturday.

Lister: Is that the best you can do?

Rimmer: There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything.

Stoke Me A Clipper (series 7)

[Rimmer has become the new "Ace" Rimmer.]

Rimmer: Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.

White Hole (series 4)

The Talking Toaster: Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite... would you like a toasted tea cake?

Demons & Angels (series 5)

Holly: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat, this is not a daffodil!

Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.

Dimension Jump (series 4)

Ace Rimmer: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!

Waiting For God (series 1)

[Rimmer convinces Holly to show him the captains files on the crew.]

Rimmer: Give me...give me Lister's. Just the remarks.

Holly: David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."

Rimmer: I always liked Captain Hollister. Such a great reader of men, was Captain Hollister. A marvellous, marvellous man and a tragic loss to us all. All right, Holly, give me...give me mine.

Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility but constantly fails the engineering exam."

Rimmer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holly, Holly. I want *my* report. Rimmer. Two M's, E, R.

Holly: "Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical."

Rimmer: No no no no no, Holly. I want *Rimmer*. That's two R's, one at the front, one at the back.

Balance of Power (series 1)

Lister: I'm going to pass the exams and become an officer.

Rimmer: Oh, come on, wise up, Lister!

Lister: You'll have to salute me, Rimmer! You'll have to call me "sir!" You'll have to give me Kochanski! And me cigarettes!

Rimmer: And on that day, Lister, Satan will be skating to work.

White Hole (series 4)

Rimmer: The thing about Captain Oates... the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates... Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat.

Nanarchy (series 7)

Lister: What, they fixed your core program and then decided they'd be better off without you?

Holly: Yeah, it was shortly after they met me.

Stoke Me A Clipper (series 7)

Lister: Get real, man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.